Nobody tells you how ghetto relationships after 30 can be for the unmarried or unattached. Nothing prepares you. You are a ghetto. The next person is ghetto. We all ghetto.
Some embrace the ghetto and roll with punches, taking anything life throws at them and life goes on.
Some cling to hope that something better will show up. Often it shows, and promises forever. But forever after 30 lasts roughly three months maximum or two sexual encounters. Whichever comes first.
This is the state of affairs in the country and our DP Gachagua who has talked about everything has refused to talk about this.
I refused to be in the market or to shop and here are the 22 lessons I learnt this year about singlehood.
1. It is healthy. Waking up with no anxiety, no hang-ups, no pressure, no answering funny questions, is healthy. Relationships come with a lot of anxiety. Your partner may be having issues with their office spouse and the externalise and take it on you. In 2022 the only women who got mad at me are those who wanted to friendzone and I escaped their jail.
2. No fear of being cheated on. When you are not dating at all, this anxiety is moot. Virtually everyone I know in a relationship has this anxiety of being cheated on. Used to be men who would casually cheat on their spouses and spouses took it on the chin and prayed about it. Nowadays men are just as curious and anxious about what their women are up to. I scarcely have energy to breath, much less monitor what am adult is doing with their private life or parts.
3. You focus on other things. You become very productive. Unhealthy relationships consume so much of our time and mental health. Healthy singlehood saves you all this trouble. You only care about your work, business, your health and what feeds you. Relationships demand that we take care of the welfare of others. But it can be hard when people fail to take care of themselves and outsource help to their partners. Co-dependence. What we sometimes emotional labour. The only emotional labour you do as a single person is to yourself.
4. There are other things to love. Relatives. Friends. Things, like your passion and hobbies. Some relationships often demand more love and that means we lose other people, our passions and hobbies in order to concentrate on relationships. Ghetto.
5. Mental clarity.
Being intentionally single gives you a certain clarity that enables you figure out what you want. Whereas some people are so content with so little, those who want more, want better, want reciprocity, stay single longer and will know when the right person shows up. However for some, in this phase, they try flings, sneaky links, Tinder, affairs, because of the fear of loneliness. Or they can’t manage their desires and urges. Which is fine as long it doesn’t distract them from their goal.
6. You work on your spirituality.
Adulting can make you forget about the spiritual aspect of your life. Whether you are an atheist, agnostic, or a believer, being single gives you time to focus on God, or whoever and whatever you believe in.
7. You get time to fix other aspects of your life: physical, mental, financial, spiritual. Few people realise how relationships sometimes can creep on our identity. We have all lost ourselves in abusive or nonreciprocal relationships.
8. As a 35-40, you realise you are in the worst age for marriage or long term relationships. Any woman between 18-35 comes with a set of equal pros and cons. Choose your poison.
9. As a man, money solves up to 69 percent of your relationship problems. No woman loves a broke man.
10. You grow old and expect less and less from women.
》》 Let us take a brief break, for guys here would you check out 4-Shoe for your back to school shopping for your kids? If you care about your descendants’ comfort, and want something durable, they are a good plug.They have a discount running up to 1st. Like and follow the page, and buy. Deliveries countrywide, but you can pop into their shops in Nairobi, Mombasa, Eldoret and Kisumu, and let the tots test. Get yourself some canvas as well.
Anyway, we carry on.
11. Adulthood comes with a lot of bitterness, what-ifs, shouldas, couldas, wouldas, to date again, you need someone who has the fewest regrets. Good luck, son.
12. Chances are, as you grow older as a man and you are contented with singlehood, you may never marry. Marriage mostly makes sense to younger men.
13. There are always hits and misses. Girls who come close to what you want. But almost always the most promising ones, end up as the most underwhelming them. All girls should he given honorary Oscars for good acting.
14. The pressure eases off. Soon people accept you as the single and happy Uncle. Of cours, some people will never let you enjoy your bliss, and there will be reminders that time is not on your side. But no single worry a well fermented drink won’t fix.
15. It feels good and bad to be a spectator. To see optimists being ruined every day by their hopes of finding The One. To see people happy. To see people sad. Because of their choices. We always say a prayer to those suffering because of relationships.
16. Traveling, road trips with good music, solo or with good company are as good as the healthiest relationship you can have.
17. When single, life is a bed of roses, without the thorns.
18. Are there times you want to be attached? Maybe you feel lonely. Not when you have chosen intentional singlehood as opposed to a singlehood occasioned by circumstances such as being undesirable, unwanted, or being in a situationship. Intentional singlehood has no room for loneliness as you are fulfilling other parts of your life.
19. There is more to life than relationships.
20. Happiness and joy is a choice.
21. One must enjoy their singlehood, because one day, you are going to miss it. You will miss those days you didn’t have to answer who Mercy is and why does she keep chatting you. You will miss the days you stay in your sitting room in your boxers, drinking coffee and cookies watching a motoring show. You will miss the freedom of not being asked “unakuja home saa ngapi?”
22. However Taliban you are, still there will be one woman who will drive you crazy and you lose your marbles. But when you have been single for long, you will know where and when to stop.
Bonus: check out the @4-shoe page, like the page and get your shoes from them.